Feeling shallow and sorry

It's 9:30 at night, and I've decided to take another look at my life and what I've done in the last few months. Whew...I didn't think it would be THAT complicated! My life has changed in a weird way. Its the first time, well...since I can remember since the magical year I turned 16 that I have not had a steady boyfriend, and with non of which I really wanted in the first place, and knew that I wouldn't end up with. So here I am, once again (I'm torn into pieces, hahaha...not really), thinking out loud, actually, typing out loud and spilling my guts so that I won't feel as shallow as I do right now.
I know what I want. I know how to get it. I think that I am a lot more conniving and manipulative then I give myself credit, whether I do it consciously or not. I don't want bad things, but when I want something, I know how to get it...visa vi all the boyfriends I collected over these almost 5 years. I base the success of my life on how steady and committed my relationship is. It could be with the worst most abusive man, but as long as I feel steady and committed, I feel good about myself and where I stand in this life. So this is the point it brings me to- I do have a great guy in my life, one that really does appreciate everything that I am, and totally accepts the package that I am. I really don't have access to him, so I'm waiting, however...I feel as if I might have used other boys to distract me as I am waiting for him. I guess putting it that way is really harsh, but the fact that he isn't here right now makes me want to know, for sure, that he might potentially be "the one". I know that there is someone out there for me, and I completely believe that there is a "one" out there for every person that lives right, and the fact that I've found someone so cool and understanding to me...well, naturally, I flock towards him. He knows how to talk to me and melt me, and I've learned how to talk to him, only because It's the way that I like to be talked to. Bits from his last letter include " I love listening to the tape you sent me! You're so sweet, you have the nicest things to say, and I love your voice! You're so cute!" and " I don't understand why I am so drawn to you...Ok, I do know, it's because you are just you! I mean I just don't know how you did it! You've come like a thief in the night and stolen my heart without me even noticing. You are very good!" Who wouldn't like someone who talks to them like that?
I think that being single until I can be with him is a good option. I have such a strong feeling that my next relationship should be in about 10 months. I know what I want, and I know how to get it. I need to just be me. If there is anyone in this world that knows how to be the best me, it's definitely me!