It's 9:30 at night, and I've decided to take another look at my life and what I've done in the last few months. Whew...I didn't think it would be THAT complicated! My life has changed in a weird way. Its the first time, well...since I can remember since the magical year I turned 16 that I have not had a steady boyfriend, and with non of which I really wanted in the first place, and knew that I wouldn't end up with. So here I am, once again (I'm torn into pieces, hahaha...not really), thinking out loud, actually, typing out loud and spilling my guts so that I won't feel as shallow as I do right now.
I know what I want. I know how to get it. I think that I am a lot more conniving and manipulative then I give myself credit, whether I do it consciously or not. I don't want bad things, but when I want something, I know how to get it...visa vi all the boyfriends I collected over these almost 5 years. I base the success of my life on how steady and committed my relationship is. It could be with the worst most abusive man, but as long as I feel steady and committed, I feel good about myself and where I stand in this life. So this is the point it brings me to- I do have a great guy in my life, one that really does appreciate everything that I am, and totally accepts the package that I am. I really don't have access to him, so I'm waiting, however...I feel as if I might have used other boys to distract me as I am waiting for him. I guess putting it that way is really harsh, but the fact that he isn't here right now makes me want to know, for sure, that he might potentially be "the one". I know that there is someone out there for me, and I completely believe that there is a "one" out there for every person that lives right, and the fact that I've found someone so cool and understanding to me...well, naturally, I flock towards him. He knows how to talk to me and melt me, and I've learned how to talk to him, only because It's the way that I like to be talked to. Bits from his last letter include " I love listening to the tape you sent me! You're so sweet, you have the nicest things to say, and I love your voice! You're so cute!" and " I don't understand why I am so drawn to you...Ok, I do know, it's because you are just you! I mean I just don't know how you did it! You've come like a thief in the night and stolen my heart without me even noticing. You are very good!" Who wouldn't like someone who talks to them like that?
I think that being single until I can be with him is a good option. I have such a strong feeling that my next relationship should be in about 10 months. I know what I want, and I know how to get it. I need to just be me. If there is anyone in this world that knows how to be the best me, it's definitely me!
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
Monday, November 24, 2008
Just take a look through my eyes
What a good day it has been!!
I woke up this morning with the news that I have been accepted into the Disneyland college program, and whats more, I've earned a scholarship for my performances, experiance, yadda yadda and so on and so forth. Woo hoo! 10 points for the ego boost!
Next, one of my bestest friends came back to Old Navy! When I first started working there, he was the one to take me under his wing and teach me the little known facts. I credit it to him for the reason as to why I know so much about ONC's (Old Navy's credit cards), and why I can give them away so well. It's been a hard last week, and he's noticed the change in my personality, and on his own said "Lauren, do you want to dance?" WHA? Wow, it was so cool!!! He knew exactly how to cheer me up without me saying anything! We turned on some classy, fast christmas music, and waltz...ed around the store for about 10 minutes. So much fun! It was so simple, but so amazing and healing for me. On that same note with the ONC's...I gave away 11 and was named champion of the day by the one and only Alex- and THAT truly is an honor!
I choreographed this dance awhile back, but really havent been able to finish it and put all of the cool tricks into it that I want, so I came home and finished it. I feel accomplished and productive!
What a good day for my self esteem! I really haven't had one of those for what feels like months! Something so simple as to having someone dance with me, changed my entire world around. My goal for tomorrow is to pass it along. I want to do something good for a friend, family member, co-worker, or...I'm going to do it for all of them! I want other people to feel as happy as I am right now, and remeber that the bad days will pass. I love life :)
I woke up this morning with the news that I have been accepted into the Disneyland college program, and whats more, I've earned a scholarship for my performances, experiance, yadda yadda and so on and so forth. Woo hoo! 10 points for the ego boost!
Next, one of my bestest friends came back to Old Navy! When I first started working there, he was the one to take me under his wing and teach me the little known facts. I credit it to him for the reason as to why I know so much about ONC's (Old Navy's credit cards), and why I can give them away so well. It's been a hard last week, and he's noticed the change in my personality, and on his own said "Lauren, do you want to dance?" WHA? Wow, it was so cool!!! He knew exactly how to cheer me up without me saying anything! We turned on some classy, fast christmas music, and waltz...ed around the store for about 10 minutes. So much fun! It was so simple, but so amazing and healing for me. On that same note with the ONC's...I gave away 11 and was named champion of the day by the one and only Alex- and THAT truly is an honor!
I choreographed this dance awhile back, but really havent been able to finish it and put all of the cool tricks into it that I want, so I came home and finished it. I feel accomplished and productive!
What a good day for my self esteem! I really haven't had one of those for what feels like months! Something so simple as to having someone dance with me, changed my entire world around. My goal for tomorrow is to pass it along. I want to do something good for a friend, family member, co-worker, or...I'm going to do it for all of them! I want other people to feel as happy as I am right now, and remeber that the bad days will pass. I love life :)
Sunday, November 23, 2008
Whoa...I've had waaaaaay too much to drink!!!
I've always wanted to write an angry blog, so watch out baby!
Men are stupid, well....only certain kinds men are stupid. I think there are two kinds of men in this world so let me further elaborate-
There are the men in group one-these are the men that are still living in the late 40's early 50's. They belive that women should shut their mouths and follow them blindly. They want to appear like the good kind of men that really do want to hear about their girlfriends day, or try to be sentimental and sweet, but in reality, they will shut them back down and shove them into a place where they are an inch away from the dirt. They believe women are arm and eye candy, nothing more. All those men should be shot.
Then there are the men in group two- these are the men that let a woman define herself, but still want her to be his. He supports her talents and interests and steps into her world, even though it might be an unknown to him, he is willing to try because he truly cares about her. These are the men that let a woman take her man out and be independant and let her speak her mind without telling her that she is "stupid", "weird", or "just dumb". These men are few and hard to find.
I dont believe in training a man and shaping him into what you want, if it were that easy, I wouldn't be writing this blog. However, there are a few men in my life that are very good to me, but I have been ignorant to them. I have interest in one, but cannot physically get to know him. Not physically like, oh ya know...kissing and all that jazz, but with my decision to move to California (yes, I AM moving, and there is no one in this world that could tell me no), I might have the opportunity to get to know him better. Yeah, I will just come out and say it, he's a missionary, and I'm trying to just think of him and write to him as a friend, but we are so alike, I cant help but already sway. He has recently made it known (and I have equally accepted) that we can only be friends while he is on his mission, but upon returning home, he wants to try to be mine. So...maybe this wasn't such an angry blog after all. There is a slight ray of light shining in a very dark room, but even if he is just a dream that is too good to be true, I KNOW that something is out there in California for me. I knew it the moment I left last summer and came back to Utah. I found something small to distract me, but all along I knew that I was not in the right place. No more stalling! My happiness resides in California, and even though I know I will be happy, I know that it wont be all sunshine and bubbles. Its going to be hard and not without challenge, but It is one that I am willing to jump headfirst into. I can fight my way through this hard world, as long as you give me my California and my Disneyland.
Try to change me, and you will regret it!
Men are stupid, well....only certain kinds men are stupid. I think there are two kinds of men in this world so let me further elaborate-
There are the men in group one-these are the men that are still living in the late 40's early 50's. They belive that women should shut their mouths and follow them blindly. They want to appear like the good kind of men that really do want to hear about their girlfriends day, or try to be sentimental and sweet, but in reality, they will shut them back down and shove them into a place where they are an inch away from the dirt. They believe women are arm and eye candy, nothing more. All those men should be shot.
Then there are the men in group two- these are the men that let a woman define herself, but still want her to be his. He supports her talents and interests and steps into her world, even though it might be an unknown to him, he is willing to try because he truly cares about her. These are the men that let a woman take her man out and be independant and let her speak her mind without telling her that she is "stupid", "weird", or "just dumb". These men are few and hard to find.
I dont believe in training a man and shaping him into what you want, if it were that easy, I wouldn't be writing this blog. However, there are a few men in my life that are very good to me, but I have been ignorant to them. I have interest in one, but cannot physically get to know him. Not physically like, oh ya know...kissing and all that jazz, but with my decision to move to California (yes, I AM moving, and there is no one in this world that could tell me no), I might have the opportunity to get to know him better. Yeah, I will just come out and say it, he's a missionary, and I'm trying to just think of him and write to him as a friend, but we are so alike, I cant help but already sway. He has recently made it known (and I have equally accepted) that we can only be friends while he is on his mission, but upon returning home, he wants to try to be mine. So...maybe this wasn't such an angry blog after all. There is a slight ray of light shining in a very dark room, but even if he is just a dream that is too good to be true, I KNOW that something is out there in California for me. I knew it the moment I left last summer and came back to Utah. I found something small to distract me, but all along I knew that I was not in the right place. No more stalling! My happiness resides in California, and even though I know I will be happy, I know that it wont be all sunshine and bubbles. Its going to be hard and not without challenge, but It is one that I am willing to jump headfirst into. I can fight my way through this hard world, as long as you give me my California and my Disneyland.
Try to change me, and you will regret it!
Sunday, November 2, 2008
Go Lazz!
If you understand the title of this blog, you are my new favorite friend :)
I woke up this morning so thankful for William Willett! If you dont know who that is...google him. Also, I am thankful for late church. Sleep in, lazily stumble around the house for a few hours, then get dressed and go to church, and it helps when I haven't really planned out my primary lesson for the day yet.
This morning was a particularly wonderful morning, as I ventured outside to sit on my swing in my backyard and just let the rain pour down on me. I find that nothing makes me feel better, almost as if the rain is just washing away all my cares and stress from the previous week. My boyfriend told me that he loves the fall because the weather is so crisp and clean. I questioned him, asking how you know or how you can tell when the weather is crisp, but this morning, my question was answered, and I am in love with days like this.
To my surprise and shock, it was announced in my home that we're setting up our Christmas tree today! Usually every year, we give our parents grief and we set up the tree about the second or third week in November, but my father (usually the one who is the most stubborn about it), openly agreed. To be quite frank, we have so many Christmas decorations that it usually takes us until the week before Christmas to fully set up. We set up the tree in our family room and it sits there undecorated for a few weeks because we are just too lazy, or...maybe its because we are never all home at the same time, but I digress...
I miss seeing the Mormon Tabernacle Choir perform. My family used to go once every month when we were all younger and lived together, but as members have moved out, Sunday callings have been assigned, ect., we dont go as often as we would like. I am so stoked to go see them in concert this year around Christmastime! Like, I cant even begin to verbalize my excitement. Every year, the choir does a Christmas concert with some amazing person and past concerts I've attended have included Sissel, Angela Lansbury, Gladys Knight, The King Singers, Audra McDonald, Rene Flemming, Walter Cronkite, and some others that I just cant remember. Still though, its always a spiritual uplifting thing to do around Christmas that brings my family, and whoever comes with us, a little closer.
Time for church! We are practicing the Primary Program today...oh dear...give me strength!
I woke up this morning so thankful for William Willett! If you dont know who that is...google him. Also, I am thankful for late church. Sleep in, lazily stumble around the house for a few hours, then get dressed and go to church, and it helps when I haven't really planned out my primary lesson for the day yet.
This morning was a particularly wonderful morning, as I ventured outside to sit on my swing in my backyard and just let the rain pour down on me. I find that nothing makes me feel better, almost as if the rain is just washing away all my cares and stress from the previous week. My boyfriend told me that he loves the fall because the weather is so crisp and clean. I questioned him, asking how you know or how you can tell when the weather is crisp, but this morning, my question was answered, and I am in love with days like this.
To my surprise and shock, it was announced in my home that we're setting up our Christmas tree today! Usually every year, we give our parents grief and we set up the tree about the second or third week in November, but my father (usually the one who is the most stubborn about it), openly agreed. To be quite frank, we have so many Christmas decorations that it usually takes us until the week before Christmas to fully set up. We set up the tree in our family room and it sits there undecorated for a few weeks because we are just too lazy, or...maybe its because we are never all home at the same time, but I digress...
I miss seeing the Mormon Tabernacle Choir perform. My family used to go once every month when we were all younger and lived together, but as members have moved out, Sunday callings have been assigned, ect., we dont go as often as we would like. I am so stoked to go see them in concert this year around Christmastime! Like, I cant even begin to verbalize my excitement. Every year, the choir does a Christmas concert with some amazing person and past concerts I've attended have included Sissel, Angela Lansbury, Gladys Knight, The King Singers, Audra McDonald, Rene Flemming, Walter Cronkite, and some others that I just cant remember. Still though, its always a spiritual uplifting thing to do around Christmas that brings my family, and whoever comes with us, a little closer.
Time for church! We are practicing the Primary Program today...oh dear...give me strength!
Thursday, October 30, 2008
My Grownup Christmas List
I know...you don't have to tell me. I already have been told that it's not going to be Christmas for at least another month, but I'm starting my list early. I was listening to Amy Grants version of "Grownup Christmas List", and decided to make one of my own, so here's what I want-
*Someone to waltz with me
*A Dr. Pepper
*A really good Christmas CD mix
*A billion ONC's
*To master my dance to "Appologize" and "Faint"
*To get all my Primary lessons done a whole year in advance
*To go to Disneyland and win something from the year of a million dreams
*A good, long sleep
*Enough time to sit through one really good Disney movie
*To audition and be cast in a really good show
*One day with no stress or "sick" people calling in at work
*To have enough time to teach another dance class in Orem
*A clean room
I think thats a good list. Yeah, thats good.
*Someone to waltz with me
*A Dr. Pepper
*A really good Christmas CD mix
*A billion ONC's
*To master my dance to "Appologize" and "Faint"
*To get all my Primary lessons done a whole year in advance
*To go to Disneyland and win something from the year of a million dreams
*A good, long sleep
*Enough time to sit through one really good Disney movie
*To audition and be cast in a really good show
*One day with no stress or "sick" people calling in at work
*To have enough time to teach another dance class in Orem
*A clean room
I think thats a good list. Yeah, thats good.
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
10 Ways to Know You are at Disneyland
Okay, so maybe its not 10 reasons, more like 7...but this is what I have come up with so far-
1) You wait in line (fastpass line), to wait in another line (acutal attraction line.
2) There is more ethnicity outside of "Its a Small World" then there is inside.
3) Your grumpy because everyone else is acting dopey.
4) You have to wait in line to get out of the park (that darn tram line!!)
5) You wait in line for lunch for what seems like forever, then the Japanese tour group in front of you orders 68 burgers and pays with 5 dollar bills.
6) You have to sign away the deed to your house to get a bottled water.
7) The bird that just pooped oh you was an anamatronic...
Oh Disneyland, my Disneyland. The happiest place on earth, and in my mind :)
1) You wait in line (fastpass line), to wait in another line (acutal attraction line.
2) There is more ethnicity outside of "Its a Small World" then there is inside.
3) Your grumpy because everyone else is acting dopey.
4) You have to wait in line to get out of the park (that darn tram line!!)
5) You wait in line for lunch for what seems like forever, then the Japanese tour group in front of you orders 68 burgers and pays with 5 dollar bills.
6) You have to sign away the deed to your house to get a bottled water.
7) The bird that just pooped oh you was an anamatronic...
Oh Disneyland, my Disneyland. The happiest place on earth, and in my mind :)
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
The List
As stated in one of my previous blogs, I decided to post my "Things that make me Thankful" list. Mind you, its long, quirky, and unexplainable, so dont ask.
Things that make me Thankful
I have really awesome parents that try to understand me, super amazingly talented, and considerate siblings, the most amazing, sweet, kind, thoughtful, understanding, and sarcastically humorous boyfriend- Andy Keele, a really fun job playing with my friends, and teaching and assisting at Center Stage Youth Performers and Broadway Bound, some of the cutest little girls in my dance class at Orem Elementary, a really good, secure, and nicely challenging job at Old Navy, fun co-workers that can joke around and play with me, easy online school, the first snow of the year (even if it was in OCTOBER!), pumpkin carving, keeping Christmas with you all through the year, knowing that I have achieved everything in a week that I wanted to, The Happy Sumo, rainbows that appear right after it rains, Christmas pins, Labyrinth ( Okay, im not really thankful for that movie- I'm just thankful that my eyes were opened to the injustice that I faced unknowingly for 19 years), 50 cent Tuesdays at the dollar movie theater...although we aren't really sure if it actually exists, the coke machine down the street, my indestructible car, the huge collection of Amy Grant CD collection that I acquired, new friends, old friends, and the way is smells after it rains....
I know that there is much, much more, but its getting late, and writing any more would open you up to a new chapter of my life that no one wants to read, or at least, for me to publicly post. Thank goodness for being thankful!
Thursday, October 9, 2008
My name is Lauren and I sell pencils at Dunder Mifflin
It's time for "The Office"! I watch that show like I read the bible (but not specifically in that order). Often times I have to remind myself that the show does not follow real life people, and that in fact, its totally and completely *big sigh*...fictional. I fully believe that this show was meant just for me. Why, might you ask, would I take it that far? To persuade you, and maybe even myself, I have a short list as to why I believe the previous statement is true-
* The first episode of "The Office" premired on my birthday- March 24th
* In the first two seasons, Jim drives a 2001, red Corolla...the EXACT same car I drive!
* In the third season, Martin Nash drives a car with LAV on the license plate- my initials
I think thats a pretty good list! A bit of devestating news though- the screen actors guild has has taken the first step towards a strike....NOT AGAIN! First the writers, then the actors...c'mon people! You get paid so much! Why demand more money, while being on strike loses you money, and not just that, they could find pretty good replacements. I would love to take on "Pam" on "The Office"! Enough of my bitterness...I suppose I will just have to watch reruns and my DVD's to pass the time. Until that time though, I will dvr as many shows on tv to pass the little time I have to spend melting brain cells.
* The first episode of "The Office" premired on my birthday- March 24th
* In the first two seasons, Jim drives a 2001, red Corolla...the EXACT same car I drive!
* In the third season, Martin Nash drives a car with LAV on the license plate- my initials
I think thats a pretty good list! A bit of devestating news though- the screen actors guild has has taken the first step towards a strike....NOT AGAIN! First the writers, then the actors...c'mon people! You get paid so much! Why demand more money, while being on strike loses you money, and not just that, they could find pretty good replacements. I would love to take on "Pam" on "The Office"! Enough of my bitterness...I suppose I will just have to watch reruns and my DVD's to pass the time. Until that time though, I will dvr as many shows on tv to pass the little time I have to spend melting brain cells.
Sunday, October 5, 2008
Speaking Words of Wisdom, Let it Be...Let it Be
Its been a good day : )
That mere sentence sums up a lot, but elaborating it would only make it sound insincere and over embellished. I’ve come to realize what I have and what I truly am thankful for. I had a sudden realization of what I have, when my family was together this weekend watching church in our underwear or pajamas…whichever one is less offensive. I miss spending time with my family because we complete each other. I love them and miss them all the time so I am thankful that we were able to spend a full day together. It’s been so long since we have all been together for a period of 24 hours, and I hope that we can find another time to goof off again.
One particular experience that happened this weekend goes like this- my youngest sister (who just turned 5! Happy Birthday Cork!), bless her heart, ran into my room in the early hours of the morning, cookie in hand, jumped into my bed and got under the covers, which I was still occupying. At first, I was extremely annoyed…actually, that might be an understatement, I might have been bordering extremely angry. It had been a late night, and I didn’t get much sleep, and was not very welcoming to anything that might disrupt my comfortable sleep. I was thinking only of myself and my feelings, how I felt, and what I wanted, and how her early morning visit was inconvenient along with the crumbling cookie. I was about to shove her out of my bed and scold her, informing her that I wanted NOTHING to do with her that morning, when she sweetly said “Lauren, I saw this cookie and I wanted to eat it, but I remembered how much I love you and I want you to have it”. She bent down, and kissed my forehead, and merrily skipped out of my room. * I was speechless *
My eyes filled with tears as I looked at the mangled cookie, which I now held in my hand. I then sat and pondered and I have come to realize that I am the luckiest person in the entire world. I have the best of everything. I have the best parents, the best sisters, the best brothers, the best boyfriend, the best friends and the list goes on and on. These people fill my life with so much joy and meaning! They may not all be perfect, but every single on of them strive to be the best that they can be, and that in and of itself, makes them as close to perfect as I think it can get. I’ve decided to make a “Thankful List”. I might post it later, but every time I feel frustration, anger, or sadness, I’m going to look at my “Thankful List”, and remember what I have, and what I would be without it.
It’s been a good day : )
That mere sentence sums up a lot, but elaborating it would only make it sound insincere and over embellished. I’ve come to realize what I have and what I truly am thankful for. I had a sudden realization of what I have, when my family was together this weekend watching church in our underwear or pajamas…whichever one is less offensive. I miss spending time with my family because we complete each other. I love them and miss them all the time so I am thankful that we were able to spend a full day together. It’s been so long since we have all been together for a period of 24 hours, and I hope that we can find another time to goof off again.
One particular experience that happened this weekend goes like this- my youngest sister (who just turned 5! Happy Birthday Cork!), bless her heart, ran into my room in the early hours of the morning, cookie in hand, jumped into my bed and got under the covers, which I was still occupying. At first, I was extremely annoyed…actually, that might be an understatement, I might have been bordering extremely angry. It had been a late night, and I didn’t get much sleep, and was not very welcoming to anything that might disrupt my comfortable sleep. I was thinking only of myself and my feelings, how I felt, and what I wanted, and how her early morning visit was inconvenient along with the crumbling cookie. I was about to shove her out of my bed and scold her, informing her that I wanted NOTHING to do with her that morning, when she sweetly said “Lauren, I saw this cookie and I wanted to eat it, but I remembered how much I love you and I want you to have it”. She bent down, and kissed my forehead, and merrily skipped out of my room. * I was speechless *
My eyes filled with tears as I looked at the mangled cookie, which I now held in my hand. I then sat and pondered and I have come to realize that I am the luckiest person in the entire world. I have the best of everything. I have the best parents, the best sisters, the best brothers, the best boyfriend, the best friends and the list goes on and on. These people fill my life with so much joy and meaning! They may not all be perfect, but every single on of them strive to be the best that they can be, and that in and of itself, makes them as close to perfect as I think it can get. I’ve decided to make a “Thankful List”. I might post it later, but every time I feel frustration, anger, or sadness, I’m going to look at my “Thankful List”, and remember what I have, and what I would be without it.
It’s been a good day : )
The Stepford Boyfriends
They were all the same, tall, dark, and handsome. There was something that drew me into their almost Disney like good looks and charm, and it was hard to not believe that maybe this finally was “the one”. Is that really possible? Can you know someone for only a moment and suddenly know that they are the one? Is love at first sight real, or is it merely lust at first sight? As much as I wanted to believe it, I now look back and realize that I was too naive to consider anything other then love at first sight, or maybe it was ignorance. One of them (not so tall and dark, but still charming), caught my attention immediately, and made me realize for the first time that there could be depth to a relationship. Who knew?
A week after claiming that our relationship was the real deal, and we were “gonna make it”, although I had no idea what that really meant, he assured me that he would never let me go…I had no idea what I was in for. The late night phone calls, visits, and detailed and elaborate stories from the past that would make a sensible person run for the hills, became so constant, I began to think that every relationship had to be like that.
He was manipulative, and he was good at making me do everything that he wanted. I didn’t believe in mind control and abuse, but now I do, oh boy I do! He got into my mind, and KNEW my next move before I did. He took pleasure in seeing me cower and fear him. He embellished the thought of me feeling completely lost and unable to make a decision without him or his approval. I knew it was wrong, and I knew that I was stuck, but how did I get out? I sometimes even wondered what thoughts were mine, and if what I was thinking was right, or if it was wrong because he thought it was wrong, or if I thought it was wrong. Understand?To make a long story short…er, I did it. He’s gone, but it’s not to say that the process wasn’t painful, and still haunts me to this day. With the passing of that dead, and decomposing relationship, I realize how much I learned, but still did not carry over the newly found morals and experiences to relationships that preceded the last dreadful one. I still let boys (and let me emphasize BOYS not men…not even guys), use me, abuse me, and take every inch of dignity that I had left in me, as if there was much left anyways.
That was three years ago, and I can finally say that even though I’m still not the brightest crayon in the box, I take the experience that I now have, and I use it. What a novel idea!! I know I still have so much to learn, but take that small experience to back me up and I won’t ever take for granted or regret the choices I’ve made. Those choices have made me the person that I am today, and I wouldn’t have the people in my life that I have in today if I had chosen differently. I don’t think that mistakes are terrible. We learn from mistakes, and without them, we would never know the difference between what is acceptable and what is not. Whenever I am discouraged at a mistake or something stupid that I do or missed, I’ve decided to tell myself “That was an awesome mistake!”…enough said.
A week after claiming that our relationship was the real deal, and we were “gonna make it”, although I had no idea what that really meant, he assured me that he would never let me go…I had no idea what I was in for. The late night phone calls, visits, and detailed and elaborate stories from the past that would make a sensible person run for the hills, became so constant, I began to think that every relationship had to be like that.
He was manipulative, and he was good at making me do everything that he wanted. I didn’t believe in mind control and abuse, but now I do, oh boy I do! He got into my mind, and KNEW my next move before I did. He took pleasure in seeing me cower and fear him. He embellished the thought of me feeling completely lost and unable to make a decision without him or his approval. I knew it was wrong, and I knew that I was stuck, but how did I get out? I sometimes even wondered what thoughts were mine, and if what I was thinking was right, or if it was wrong because he thought it was wrong, or if I thought it was wrong. Understand?To make a long story short…er, I did it. He’s gone, but it’s not to say that the process wasn’t painful, and still haunts me to this day. With the passing of that dead, and decomposing relationship, I realize how much I learned, but still did not carry over the newly found morals and experiences to relationships that preceded the last dreadful one. I still let boys (and let me emphasize BOYS not men…not even guys), use me, abuse me, and take every inch of dignity that I had left in me, as if there was much left anyways.
That was three years ago, and I can finally say that even though I’m still not the brightest crayon in the box, I take the experience that I now have, and I use it. What a novel idea!! I know I still have so much to learn, but take that small experience to back me up and I won’t ever take for granted or regret the choices I’ve made. Those choices have made me the person that I am today, and I wouldn’t have the people in my life that I have in today if I had chosen differently. I don’t think that mistakes are terrible. We learn from mistakes, and without them, we would never know the difference between what is acceptable and what is not. Whenever I am discouraged at a mistake or something stupid that I do or missed, I’ve decided to tell myself “That was an awesome mistake!”…enough said.
The Past repeats itself...
Im staring at four walls covered with memories that break the floodgate in my mind. Memories from people, events, and odd occurances with no rhyme or reason. I remember the days of blogging and sharing my thoughts with the world, but also remember those times as being dark and dismal. I've always taken relief in writing, opening up my soul to those who are willing to dive in, but somehow lost my passion in the years past. This may sound depressing, but it's not. It's more of a celebration of what I now have come to realize as a rebirth, for lack of better phrasing, of my passion for writing. I suppose it's good to let it out in a constructive form, and maybe my pain and sorrow is begging to be let out in this way. My grief has taken many forms, none to say the least, constructive. I have too many thoughts, memories, and ramblings all filed away in a cabinet that has been locked in my head. Maybe it's time to share them...in this constructive way...
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