What I Wish I Would Have Known

I like lists. I like being grateful, too. When I put these things together, out pops a list. I'm going to fill this list with things that I wish I would have known this time last year. I reflect on this last past year, and I can't believe everything that has changed in twelve months! If you would have told me that I would be at this point in my life last year, I would have laughed my butt off, but enough of that- Here is what I wish I would have known.

*I wish that I would have known that I would be finishing school this year. Let's be honest here, I stink at school! I have so much anxiety over not being good enough, not being on time, not getting ample study time, overall, just not being good enough, that I can't do it. I know that I can, I'm not sure why I can't convince my brain, but there is some block from my brain to my feet, and it was SO hard to get myself to go to class, even in High school. Thank goodness for online school!! Last year, I was so angry with myself and was even debating leaving school and forgetting about it altogether. I'm so thankful I stuck it through. I wish I would have known that.

*I would have liked to know that I am a Dr. Pepper junkie now. I enjoy that stuff more then life itself! Alright, so it may be an unhealthy addiction, but I can't think of many other beverages that make me that happy. Enough said.

*I wish I would have known that I would get to keep Jeremy for the rest of forever. This time last year, I remember him saying that he would be leaving our youth theater that we both teach at, and I remember being so devastated at the possibility that I would never see him again. If you would have told me that I would be marrying him, to be honest, I would have been as giddy and happy as I am now. I've loved the man for so long, imagining my life without him would be like a Christmas tree without any decorations. Every time I am with him, I fall deeper in love with him, especially when we get to have that occasional snowball fight...even if he wins.

*I wish I would have known that I would have known that last Christmas would be the last Christmas that we would be together as an entire family. We have a big ol' family, and because of that, things have always been chaotic around the Christmas season. I remember having lots of fun, but I also remember the times that annoyed me such as visiting relatives that I wasn't fond of, visiting Santa even though I thought I was well above the average age to sit on his lap, and so on and so forth. I look back on all of my siblings and I slept in the same bedroom on Christmas Eve and played with our toys while our dad paced the hallway outside the bedroom door jingling the jingle bells, or the time that we tried to reenact the Christmas Story and it ended up as far from the actual Christmas story that a family using puppets could get. I wish I would have known that, too. I probably wouldn't have taken it for granted.

*I wish that I would have known about the TV show, "Saved By The Bell". I am an obsessive compulsive being, and once I get into a TV show, I HAVE to finish it. I can't wait to see what happens in between episodes, because I simply cannot function until I know the conclusion. I really do wish I had known that I would enjoy it this much, and would have started watching it a year ago.

Yes, I wish I would have known all of that last year. Needless to say though, I am thankful for all of it, and it makes me wonder what the next year has in store for me. Odds are that I'll look back at this blog next year and think about the changes and what I wish I would have known right now. Until then, I'll take everything a day at a time, and hopefully this year, I'll recognize the small and simple blessings.

Sometimes the way forward is the way back

Tonight, I learned if you hold a door knocker's nose long enough, he'll open his mouth and let you put the knocker back in his mouth. True story.

I also learned that David Bowie can throw an infant nine feet in the air with giggling results, and that if you are a firewalker you can dismember yourself while you sing about a life with no worries.

Another cool fact? If I were a gelfling, I would have wings. And, I could call unusual animals to come to my rescue by making deep, gurgling sounds in my throat.

One more thing- if I ever become a soldier, I can trade a good whistle for a bag that can capture death. Side note, death is a bald midget with really big blue eyes and a tiny nose.

Look at everything that Jim Henson has taught me!!!

Tonight, we had a "serious" Jim Henson shindig. It's great being a part of the Varney family on a Saturday night, I'm telling ya! Jenna's fiancee, Mike, came over, and Phil joined us for a night of laziness. We decided to watch the Jim Henson movies that were, well....scarier in my book, but according to everyone else, we watched a collection of movies that we think Jim Henson might have been dead serious about. I watch these, and seriously wonder if he was being completely serious about his work. They come off as comical, so to speak, but watching the "behind the scenes" junk about making the movie, he is SO serious, it's sadly funny! Also, have any of you ever realized that in said movies, he uses a ton of glitter? You name a location for it, it's there. Trees, vines, rocks, dirt....really, go back and watch some of Henson's creepier work, and you'll see a wonderland of glitter.

I love these kinds of nights.

Reasons I'm Happy Today

Today is a sick day.

I'm not complaining in the least bit, though. I've been able to do so much, and to finish off the day, I wanted to blog about why I am happy. Here's what I've come up with-

*I've finished so much wedding planning today it's ridiculous! I know what I want to do, and how to do it, all I need to do is, well...do it!
*I've been able to read a lot of my magazines and books on the LDS temple. It makes me so happy!
*I'm pretty sure that I have a job doing something that I really like! Tomorrow is the last interview and I'm feeling confident.
*I have the best fiancee in the world! I love him so much!
*I took two NyQuil and slept for four hours. Ahhh, so wonderful...
*I cleaned out a drawer underneath my bed and found my electric blanket.
*The Varney's have started celebrating Christmas. We listen to Christmas music constantly, and my baby sisters already have their tree set up in their room.
*I ate a sugar cookie today :)
* My darling Jeremy brought my itouch back from the dead! I missed my organizer so very much.
*I've had "The Simpsons" playing on my TV all day while doing this and that. I think I've gone through four seasons today.
*My cousin that I haven't spoken to for YEARS got in touch with me today.
*I found and am wearing my pink, silk Disney jammies today.
*My mom wanted to make sure I wasn't dead this morning, and she brought me juice in bed.


I'm feeling pretty good :)

I'm Sleeping With Batman

I'm engaged!!!

He he:)

I love my fiancee so much! He remembers everything I tell him, he listens to me, he even puts up with me every Sunday when I crash at his house all day! Wanna know the story? Wanna know how we met? Really, if you know me and I've never mentioned Jeremy, you really don't know me. I told a few of you recently, that I would post our story on my blog, so here I am, doing just that.

I've known Jeremy forever, well, maybe not that long, it's actually been about 5 years. It was only until this last summer that we really got together. Our only problem? At the time we decided to date, he was my director. We were REALLY good at keeping it a secret from the other members of the cast. It took, at least, a few weeks before anyone really figured out that we would wait for each other after rehearsal so we could walk out together and talk in the parking lot. However, once it was out that we were dating, some "special" members of our cast went out of their way to befriend me and try to convince me that they deserved a solo or more dialogue or a bigger part and that I should express those thoughts to Jeremy. Sheesh! Side note- I LOVE that people think that I have power. If anything, when you are dating the director of your show, people watch you even more to peg your mistakes. It was comical to sit back and watch and we got our fair share of laughs out of it.

Okay, now backtrack a little bit- The first Sunday that Jeremy and had been officially dating, we knew we were going to get married. We sat on his couch and just talked. I never wanted that night to end! I felt so comfortable and safe around him, and I could talk to him so easily, I could say anything and knew that he wouldn't judge me (Well, I could say ALMOST anything). After talking for awhile, he looked at me and told me he loved and that he wanted to marry me. That was one of the happiest moments of my life! He told me to start thinking of a date, to think of what I wanted in a ring, and that we would start planning. I remember the drive home perfectly! I called my mom, shrieking with joy, that I knew, with no doubt, that I wanted to marry him. After a few weeks of talking and deciding, we chose December 19th for our date.

Okay, back to the show. Our cast knew we were dating, but no one knew that we were planning on getting married. Of course, there were rumors, but no one knew anything. A few weeks before the show ended, we went ring shopping in West Valley. We tried to stay away from the Provo/Orem area because it wouldn't have helped if any of our cast members or people that we knew, well....people that Jeremy knows (turns out he knows quite a few people!), seeing us ring shopping together when we had done a wonderful job of convincing people that we were just dating. We went, I gave him a few ideas of what I like, but ultimately, I left it up to him.

Another side note- Jeremy and I teach together. We are both teach at a Youth Theater in Pleasant Grove, which is how we met. We've both been there for 5 years, so we've met a lot of people and have made a lot of friends, so they, too, were excited to hear that we were dating. We knew that we wanted to wait for our show to end before we got engaged, but we also wanted to be engaged by the time that our Youth Theater started up. It gave us a week of time in between one show ending and Theater starting up. I knew that it was coming, and I was trying to get it out of him so that I could expect it, but with no success. His friends, Heather and David, were moving back to New York, so we planned to go out with them the night before they left. Jeremy came to pick me up, and brought me flowers and a card that read "Dear Lauren, I'll always be there for you. All the love in my heart, Jeremy". Now, if you REALLY know me, you know that my favorite chick flik is "Say Anything", and the hero of that show gives his girlfriend and card with that exact saying. It was so romantic and I was so happy! So, we went to dinner, and confirmed our plans for the next night. My brothers and I had never seen "Rocky Horror Picture Show" and so we decided to get together with our friend Amber, Chris, and Danielle to watch it at Amber's house the next night. I went early to talk to Amber and help her get the food ready for our shindig. Also, Jeremy was preparing to teach at a school in Orem, and was busy, also, he had told me that he wasn't going to be to our party until later because he had to be at a parent teacher conference.
I didn't really expect anything that night.

I got to Amber's. We talked and started making food, then, she went outside to start up the BBQ, while I waited inside. I suddenly heard her yell for me and that she needed help, so I ran outside and WHOA! There was Jeremy! He was standing in the middle of her yard, holding a Batman ipod boombox above his head playing the song "In Your Eyes", wearing a trench coat. Okay, so even before Jeremy and I started dating, we had talked about the perfect way to propose and both came to the conclusion that recreating the scene from "Say Anything" when the hero goes to her house, and stands outside her room, holding a boom box above his head playing "In Your Eyes". Back to the story- he was doing exactly that!!! I couldn't believe it! Was he proposing?? I walked over to him, he held my hands and told me that he loved me and wanted to take care of me forever, if I would let him. Then....then....then....He asked me to marry him!!!!! He reached into his really deep trench coat pocket and pulled out my ring! It's gorgeous! It's exactly what I wanted! It was the most perfect moment of my life, and Amber was even there taking candid pictures so that we would be able to remember that moment. And yes, we still watched "Rocky Horror Picture Show" that night. :)

As of two days ago, it was 3 months away from our wedding. 3 months seems so far away! I love Jeremy so much, and I've never been so happy in my entire life. Already, I've been through trials and he's still here, helping me and seeing me through them. I can't believe how lucky I am, and I can't wait to be with him for eternity! We have so much fun together and he understands me so well. He's introduced me to so many things like, well, "Rocky Horror Picture Show", Batman, every good Broadway musical, blogging, Planet Unicorn, Dr. Horrible, Mapleton, pop (I still believe it's called soda, though), extended family, making amazing musical tracks from only piano music, and so, SO much more!

I love you so much Jeremy Showgren, and I can't wait to marry you!

Sock it to me!

Good morning, blog!

It’s been forever since I’ve written anything about my life on you lately…sorry. You should know this now- I suck at keeping you updated. It’s like my Journal, and I sincerely apologize, right now, to all my future generations that look back and wonder why their ancestor was so terrible at keeping a log on my life (please don’t step on my grave!). I assure you, I will be better. Let’s see- for those of you that have followed, or have cyber stalked me, what can I tell you on what has happened in my life? Hmmm….

The best news I can think of right now that you yet to learn about, is Jeremy. He is my tall, handsome, blue-eyed boyfriend. Every day I sit back for just a moment to think about how lucky I am and every day he does something or says something that makes me just love and adore him more. Every time I’m with him, I have so much fun, and enjoy his humor. I want to do everything I can to see him as often as I can, even though we had pretty conflicting schedules for a few months, and even now. I miss him lots, and wish I lived closer. I am in Pleasant Grove and he is in the distant land of…Mapleton. Okay, so it’s not THAT distant, but sometimes he feels so far away. He’s amazing, and I’m so lucky to be with him and have him in my life. I know how desired he is, even to married women (which, by the way, I am willing to fight them off, but he may have to see them again, and I would hate to be the snotty girlfriend, so I’m nice. Sheesh, I’m ALWAYS nice, dangit!!!). We’ve been together about two months, and I’ve had the time of my life! I even watch scary movies now. J

I was in a show!! I got up the guts to audition for “Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat” at the Scera Shell, this summer. Best. Summer. EVER! I met so many good, and bad people, so I made friends with the good, and learned valuable lessons from the bad. I was so shocked by some of the bad behavior of some of the people in our cast, that now, when I think back to it, I almost want to find them on facebook and tell them how disappointed I am. There was one jerk that knew I was dating Jeremy (Did I mention that Jeremy directed “Joseph”? Well…he did.), and would try to hold my hand, one night, he kissed me, and would feel me up backstage. OH! Did I also mention that he was dating a girl in the cast? That’s right, he is a skeezy little pervert! Don’t you worry though, he knows how I feel about him. There was one night, I yelled at him after he had kissed me, and told him that it truly was no wonder why his girlfriend was ready to dump him, because he truly was a loser, and I also got a punch in. I nailed him in the jaw and right underneath his shoulder. I was trying so hard to be good and not cause drama, but I couldn’t let him do those things to me. I hate it, HATE IT, when guys take advantage of me because I’m small and have little muscle, making it harder to defend myself. Word to the wise though, I can punch pretty hard! Ask the pervert. Sister Lauren’s got dynamite up her sleeve!

I am officially one semester away from my Applied Science, with a focus in Business, Degree. I never thought that I would ever be able to get a degree in anything! My hate for school runs so deep, it’s hard for me to sit in any class and appreciate that I am furthering my education. Blarg.

I got into my first car accident yesterday. It wasn’t my fault, but my car is still wrecked. Also, if my car had been one year older then it is right now, they would have considered it totaled and refuse to fix it. God bless my little 2001 Toyota Corolla. I plan on driving that thing until it dies completely. It’s been such a good little car, with awesome gas mileage, and I’m even able to fix some of the belts on my own and change the oil (um…I guess this is where I thank my teacher of my Auto Fundamentals class at MATC for dragging me to class…. Thank you Mr. Burton!). Essentially, the dude in front of me, got off the freeway and hit a stray tire in the road, but slammed on his breaks so hard his car started to spin, and when I hit my breaks to try to get out of the way of his spinning car, I started spinning out of control as well, and smashed into the cement barrier with the front of my car. Honestly, I’m lucky I didn’t get hurt at all. Counting my blessings, counting my blessings. I was really depressed when I found that it would cost me five hundred dollars to pay the deductible to get it fixed, though. I can think of some events in the near future that I could have used that five hundred on, but eh…that’s life. Moving on.

I now work mornings at Old Navy, yippee!!!! I can’t tell you how annoyed I am with that job. My boss is an ignorant, ill mannered, childlike, idiot. Now, you may think that’s pretty harsh, but believe me, it’s a superior description. He is uninformed and quite frankly, unfit for the position he holds. He cries whenever he’s tired and always wants to discuss his marital problems with his employees. Now, for a year, I did my best to put up with it, only because he offered me a management position, with the terms that I would stay for an entire year and learn the ropes. Well, here, it’s been a year, and where am I? The same place I started, and he retracted his promise, only because our store has been remodeled and there are many managers in Utah that are transferring to our store because they want to work in a remolded store. I tried to transfer out of that store to another, but my boss refuses to sign the transfer papers, because my numbers are so good, if he lost me, heaven forbid, he would actually have to work. I became so sick of it, I transferred to the morning team, where I wouldn’t have to deal with him, or another certain manager, because of their immature behavior. I know that I left them in a bind, but they had it comin’. Suck on that (Insert evil laughter)!

Whew, well…I think that’s about it. It’s been raining outside, and I’m yearning to go outside and read a book. Any book. Maybe, I’ll dig through my basement and find an old book in a box that looks intriguing. Or, maybe I’ll pass out on my bed with a super sized bag of Cheetos and a Dr. Pepper while watching my way through the second season of “Arrested Development”. Either way sounds pretty good right now. Kudos for you for reading through this massive entry. You deserve a pat on the back from me, redeemable at any time.

My life would suCK without you!

God bless the person that invented the mp3 player! I don't think I've taken mine out of my ear once today, and I don't regret it at all. On that subject, I am so freakin' excited for the new Kelly Clarkson album to come out!!!! I cant remember the last time that I was this excited for a new album. March 17th...I'm buying it as an early birthday present for myself, and I think that it's completely justified. Thank heavens that they released her first single because I've been itching for something new from her that wasn't dark and dismal. I just love that bubble gum pop :) My life would suCK without that song!

Remember the show "Van Helsing"? I saw it a few times about...sheesh...4ish years ago and loved it! I saw that it was on TV and couldn't have been happier to see it again, however, I am sadly disappointed. It's not what I remember at all, and I'm so bummed! Has that ever happened to anyone else? You fall in love with a movie, then revisit a few years later and wonder what you were thinking?
Does anyone else think that cingular commercials are so annoying? It makes me want to change my cell phone provider...

School this semester has been kinda weird. It's been keeping me super busy, but it doesn't feel like school at all. It feels more like a party every day, and it's not that it's a bad thing or anything, but I'm spending my money on education, and I'm not feeling very educated. This contemplation made me realize that maybe, just maybe...I want to change my major. I saw a show called "Chess" the other day, and it made me realize how much I miss doing shows. Maybe if I did shows for school, I could audition for one and be able to justify it in my schedule. Maybe, just maybe...

Never said too much, words could never take his place

Today I got news. Who's to say if it's good or bad, but I think it might not be preferable.

An email was waiting for me today at work, the subject line- TRANSFER

Aw, crap. I'm not ready yet for a transfer! I put in my papers for the transfer to a management position, but with an astrict clearly stating that I needed to finish up school. I decided to face the inevitable, thinking that I would have to choose between school and my possible career. Nope...it might be worse.
Yes, I might transfer....to the OREM STORE!!! BAAAHH!! NOOOO!!! It's the worst store in all of Utah! They want me there so that I can continue to go to school and work there because its so close. Dang it...so, I have to choose. I don't know what to do.

Next big news- my friend joined the army awhile ago, and his ship out date was June 10th, but they just bumped it up to (gulp) Feb. 3rd!!! It practically gives me no time to be with him before he leaves, and I still cant believe that he's really leaving. Our relationship is unique. We tried dating, but it was too weird for me, so I ended it. We've remained pretty good friends, but he's always the guy to challenge me and keep me on my toes. I must say that I do love him (no, not in THAT way!), but I really do appreciate him and would be devastated if anything happened to him. In working full time and attending school full time this semester, I have no time to be with him and that dampers my spirits. I guess that adds another person on my list to write to.

I think I need to make a "to do" list...

Right, left, right, uppercut!!

Dear Facebook-

Blarg....you and your nosey inhabitants annoy me.

Sincerely yours
~Lauren


I don't need another social networking site to let burned bridges and old "friends" keep tabs on me at all times. There have been so many friend requests from bad relationships in the past come up on my profile that I can't believe it! I sent out a huge message to everyone (sorry if you were one of the people that got it too) that has tried, in some way, to communicate with me over facebook. It really isn't me. Honestly, I prefer face to face or an endearing note (oh! Name the movie, name the movie!). My days with a facebook profile with my name on it may be numbered...

Goodness, I wish I had a brain...and tact. To further elaborate- I decided to work on my physical appearance and get some whitestrips for my teeth. How bad can it be? Those people in the commercials look like they are having so much fun! Just as much fun as the guys jumping in the swimming pool that looks like a basketball court after drinking Sprite! I thought that I could handle that endeavour and went to my dentist and got some whitestrips that he recommended. So, we've all seen the commercials...the girl puts them in, jumps in bed, falls asleep (smiling, of course) and wakes up with a beautiful, healthy, white smile. I went through the exact routine, with the exception of doing the Toyota jump right before getting into bed (why not?). However, it was not a pleasant night....

I awoke the next morning it complete pain!! No man on the face of this earth has felt this kind of pain before. This wasn't the kind of pain as if someone had punched me in the face, although, now I wish it was that kind of pain. No...this is the pain that aches, that no amount of ibuprofen can fix. Every time I open my mouth, mere air hurts! Eating and drinking bring severe pain, even speaking is unbearable. What have I done?!?!?!
Oh My Goodness, I'm blind with pain!!! I stumble into my bathroom to look at the instructions on the box. I'm reading...."Congratulations on your next step to a beautiful smile"...yadda yadda yadda...."10 strips are enclosed in this box"....yadda yadda yadda...."thrity minutes once a day"....oops. That caught my attention. These strips are supposedly the "most intense and most effective" that you can get and I just butched it. On top of that, I decided to read the "danger" portion, and in reading, I discover that if you swallow too much of the gel on the strips it could be potentially dangerous to your health. I am blind with pain and in complete panic now! Potentially dangerous?? I don't know what they really mean by that...potentially dangerous as in, "oh, your tummy might hurt a little bit, but you'll be okay" or "Oh no!!! Get to the hospital, get your stomach pumped and pray that you are a lucky one!" Panic isn't even a good word for what I was feeling. That was one of those moments that I just checked out of life and thought that death was knockin' on my door . I was asleep for 8 hours with those whitestrips in my mouth! 30 minutes once a day?!?!?! My teeth are a shade of white that I didn't know existed, like a fluorescent white, and I might die due to poisoned gel. What would Chuck Norris do?

I call the dentist and after a painful explanation ( did I mention that talking hurts like the dickens?!) he calmly tells me to drink lots of water, lay down, and if I feel intense pains to call the hospital. I'm trying to remain calm myself, but he reassures me that all will be well and to call him the next day. I think in the next 5 minutes I drank at least 3 gallons of water. It hurt, I think that was the closest experience to death that I have faced, but its over...whew.
I'm not dead yet! I learned my lesson...those people in the commercials cant be as happy as they look...oh yeah, and always read the instructions. Tee he he...at least I still have my teeth :)

Its Either Sadness or Euphoria

I don't know what to say...I guess I should start out with a big sorry. Sorry to Alex, Ben, Ben, Tysen and Brad. You know why.

Whats changed since my last blog? Um, nothing. Oh, I did get a job promotion at Old Navy, and realizing that I can be successful If I really want to. Our district manager is preparing me for TAPS (or in other words, the head honchos of Old Navy sit in a panel and grill me on everything about the store), so within a month, I could be moving to another store...in another state and all that fun stuff. I cant leave just quite yet though, I still have a few commitments here, so in May, well...we'll see what happens.

Sometimes I feel so sad. Its an inconsolable darkness. I am the worst person in the world at defining the emotion of sadness! Last night I took a long look at what I have thought has made me so sad, and realize that its a choice, but I've made choices to only encourage and ensure that there would be sadness in my life. I decided at about midnight last night to make my New Years Resolution list to ease my sadness and guilt. In the spirit of the season, or at least, the season that I feel should be kept all through out the year, here are a few of my resolutions-
* Forgive and Forget
* eat 50bazillion calories every day (...maybe not THAT much)
* get up the courage to tell people what's really on my mind
* be less cynical and bitter
* go to Disneyworld
* make a new, close friend
* to make a snow cave
* to watch "Enchanted" on Blu Ray ( *hopeful look* :) )
I think that's all I want to share with those of you that read this. If you want to read whats REALLY on my mind, you will just have to tune into my secret blog, and if you don't know that address, you should bribe me with something to let you into the secret (Jeremy, you really do have wonderful ideas!).
Sometimes things happen to me that make me wonder if I am really living the life I am. Meaning, sometimes I wonder if I am the next contestant on "The Truman Show". Case and point- the strangest, weirdest things always happen to me. Things that would NEVER happen to anyone else. I was driving down the road, on my merry way home, and had some good song blasting through my car ( I wish I could remember what it was), and OF COURSE I get pulled over. I wasn't speeding, I didn't have any drugs, I was pretty sure all my lights were working...so the guy gets out of his car, I roll down my window, and he starts laughing at me! He's laughing at me!! He says he was watching me dance in my car as I was going down the road and thought it was so funny that he wanted to pull me over and tell me that it made him laugh. Then he gave me a gift card to Wendy's and went back on his way. Does that really happen to people?? Well, at least I know that I have mastered the art of driving and dancing at the same time. Can you say...New Reality TV Show?? 101 ways to freak people out!

Another thing, I love Summer Highland Falls! Billy said it best when he sung " For we are always what our situation hands us, it's either sadness or euphoria". That is the song of my life right now. Okay, time to go to work. It feels good to write again, hopefully I have time to do it again one day.

Feeling shallow and sorry

It's 9:30 at night, and I've decided to take another look at my life and what I've done in the last few months. Whew...I didn't think it would be THAT complicated! My life has changed in a weird way. Its the first time, well...since I can remember since the magical year I turned 16 that I have not had a steady boyfriend, and with non of which I really wanted in the first place, and knew that I wouldn't end up with. So here I am, once again (I'm torn into pieces, hahaha...not really), thinking out loud, actually, typing out loud and spilling my guts so that I won't feel as shallow as I do right now.
I know what I want. I know how to get it. I think that I am a lot more conniving and manipulative then I give myself credit, whether I do it consciously or not. I don't want bad things, but when I want something, I know how to get it...visa vi all the boyfriends I collected over these almost 5 years. I base the success of my life on how steady and committed my relationship is. It could be with the worst most abusive man, but as long as I feel steady and committed, I feel good about myself and where I stand in this life. So this is the point it brings me to- I do have a great guy in my life, one that really does appreciate everything that I am, and totally accepts the package that I am. I really don't have access to him, so I'm waiting, however...I feel as if I might have used other boys to distract me as I am waiting for him. I guess putting it that way is really harsh, but the fact that he isn't here right now makes me want to know, for sure, that he might potentially be "the one". I know that there is someone out there for me, and I completely believe that there is a "one" out there for every person that lives right, and the fact that I've found someone so cool and understanding to me...well, naturally, I flock towards him. He knows how to talk to me and melt me, and I've learned how to talk to him, only because It's the way that I like to be talked to. Bits from his last letter include " I love listening to the tape you sent me! You're so sweet, you have the nicest things to say, and I love your voice! You're so cute!" and " I don't understand why I am so drawn to you...Ok, I do know, it's because you are just you! I mean I just don't know how you did it! You've come like a thief in the night and stolen my heart without me even noticing. You are very good!" Who wouldn't like someone who talks to them like that?
I think that being single until I can be with him is a good option. I have such a strong feeling that my next relationship should be in about 10 months. I know what I want, and I know how to get it. I need to just be me. If there is anyone in this world that knows how to be the best me, it's definitely me!

Just take a look through my eyes

What a good day it has been!!

I woke up this morning with the news that I have been accepted into the Disneyland college program, and whats more, I've earned a scholarship for my performances, experiance, yadda yadda and so on and so forth. Woo hoo! 10 points for the ego boost!
Next, one of my bestest friends came back to Old Navy! When I first started working there, he was the one to take me under his wing and teach me the little known facts. I credit it to him for the reason as to why I know so much about ONC's (Old Navy's credit cards), and why I can give them away so well. It's been a hard last week, and he's noticed the change in my personality, and on his own said "Lauren, do you want to dance?" WHA? Wow, it was so cool!!! He knew exactly how to cheer me up without me saying anything! We turned on some classy, fast christmas music, and waltz...ed around the store for about 10 minutes. So much fun! It was so simple, but so amazing and healing for me. On that same note with the ONC's...I gave away 11 and was named champion of the day by the one and only Alex- and THAT truly is an honor!
I choreographed this dance awhile back, but really havent been able to finish it and put all of the cool tricks into it that I want, so I came home and finished it. I feel accomplished and productive!
What a good day for my self esteem! I really haven't had one of those for what feels like months! Something so simple as to having someone dance with me, changed my entire world around. My goal for tomorrow is to pass it along. I want to do something good for a friend, family member, co-worker, or...I'm going to do it for all of them! I want other people to feel as happy as I am right now, and remeber that the bad days will pass. I love life :)

Whoa...I've had waaaaaay too much to drink!!!

I've always wanted to write an angry blog, so watch out baby!
Men are stupid, well....only certain kinds men are stupid. I think there are two kinds of men in this world so let me further elaborate-

There are the men in group one-these are the men that are still living in the late 40's early 50's. They belive that women should shut their mouths and follow them blindly. They want to appear like the good kind of men that really do want to hear about their girlfriends day, or try to be sentimental and sweet, but in reality, they will shut them back down and shove them into a place where they are an inch away from the dirt. They believe women are arm and eye candy, nothing more. All those men should be shot.

Then there are the men in group two- these are the men that let a woman define herself, but still want her to be his. He supports her talents and interests and steps into her world, even though it might be an unknown to him, he is willing to try because he truly cares about her. These are the men that let a woman take her man out and be independant and let her speak her mind without telling her that she is "stupid", "weird", or "just dumb". These men are few and hard to find.

I dont believe in training a man and shaping him into what you want, if it were that easy, I wouldn't be writing this blog. However, there are a few men in my life that are very good to me, but I have been ignorant to them. I have interest in one, but cannot physically get to know him. Not physically like, oh ya know...kissing and all that jazz, but with my decision to move to California (yes, I AM moving, and there is no one in this world that could tell me no), I might have the opportunity to get to know him better. Yeah, I will just come out and say it, he's a missionary, and I'm trying to just think of him and write to him as a friend, but we are so alike, I cant help but already sway. He has recently made it known (and I have equally accepted) that we can only be friends while he is on his mission, but upon returning home, he wants to try to be mine. So...maybe this wasn't such an angry blog after all. There is a slight ray of light shining in a very dark room, but even if he is just a dream that is too good to be true, I KNOW that something is out there in California for me. I knew it the moment I left last summer and came back to Utah. I found something small to distract me, but all along I knew that I was not in the right place. No more stalling! My happiness resides in California, and even though I know I will be happy, I know that it wont be all sunshine and bubbles. Its going to be hard and not without challenge, but It is one that I am willing to jump headfirst into. I can fight my way through this hard world, as long as you give me my California and my Disneyland.
Try to change me, and you will regret it!

Go Lazz!

If you understand the title of this blog, you are my new favorite friend :)

I woke up this morning so thankful for William Willett! If you dont know who that is...google him. Also, I am thankful for late church. Sleep in, lazily stumble around the house for a few hours, then get dressed and go to church, and it helps when I haven't really planned out my primary lesson for the day yet.
This morning was a particularly wonderful morning, as I ventured outside to sit on my swing in my backyard and just let the rain pour down on me. I find that nothing makes me feel better, almost as if the rain is just washing away all my cares and stress from the previous week. My boyfriend told me that he loves the fall because the weather is so crisp and clean. I questioned him, asking how you know or how you can tell when the weather is crisp, but this morning, my question was answered, and I am in love with days like this.
To my surprise and shock, it was announced in my home that we're setting up our Christmas tree today! Usually every year, we give our parents grief and we set up the tree about the second or third week in November, but my father (usually the one who is the most stubborn about it), openly agreed. To be quite frank, we have so many Christmas decorations that it usually takes us until the week before Christmas to fully set up. We set up the tree in our family room and it sits there undecorated for a few weeks because we are just too lazy, or...maybe its because we are never all home at the same time, but I digress...
I miss seeing the Mormon Tabernacle Choir perform. My family used to go once every month when we were all younger and lived together, but as members have moved out, Sunday callings have been assigned, ect., we dont go as often as we would like. I am so stoked to go see them in concert this year around Christmastime! Like, I cant even begin to verbalize my excitement. Every year, the choir does a Christmas concert with some amazing person and past concerts I've attended have included Sissel, Angela Lansbury, Gladys Knight, The King Singers, Audra McDonald, Rene Flemming, Walter Cronkite, and some others that I just cant remember. Still though, its always a spiritual uplifting thing to do around Christmas that brings my family, and whoever comes with us, a little closer.
Time for church! We are practicing the Primary Program today...oh dear...give me strength!

My Grownup Christmas List

I know...you don't have to tell me. I already have been told that it's not going to be Christmas for at least another month, but I'm starting my list early. I was listening to Amy Grants version of "Grownup Christmas List", and decided to make one of my own, so here's what I want-

*Someone to waltz with me
*A Dr. Pepper
*A really good Christmas CD mix
*A billion ONC's
*To master my dance to "Appologize" and "Faint"
*To get all my Primary lessons done a whole year in advance
*To go to Disneyland and win something from the year of a million dreams
*A good, long sleep
*Enough time to sit through one really good Disney movie
*To audition and be cast in a really good show
*One day with no stress or "sick" people calling in at work
*To have enough time to teach another dance class in Orem
*A clean room
I think thats a good list. Yeah, thats good.

10 Ways to Know You are at Disneyland

Okay, so maybe its not 10 reasons, more like 7...but this is what I have come up with so far-

1) You wait in line (fastpass line), to wait in another line (acutal attraction line.
2) There is more ethnicity outside of "Its a Small World" then there is inside.
3) Your grumpy because everyone else is acting dopey.
4) You have to wait in line to get out of the park (that darn tram line!!)
5) You wait in line for lunch for what seems like forever, then the Japanese tour group in front of you orders 68 burgers and pays with 5 dollar bills.
6) You have to sign away the deed to your house to get a bottled water.
7) The bird that just pooped oh you was an anamatronic...

Oh Disneyland, my Disneyland. The happiest place on earth, and in my mind :)

The List

As stated in one of my previous blogs, I decided to post my "Things that make me Thankful" list. Mind you, its long, quirky, and unexplainable, so dont ask.

Things that make me Thankful

I have really awesome parents that try to understand me, super amazingly talented, and considerate siblings, the most amazing, sweet, kind, thoughtful, understanding, and sarcastically humorous boyfriend- Andy Keele, a really fun job playing with my friends, and teaching and assisting at Center Stage Youth Performers and Broadway Bound, some of the cutest little girls in my dance class at Orem Elementary, a really good, secure, and nicely challenging job at Old Navy, fun co-workers that can joke around and play with me, easy online school, the first snow of the year (even if it was in OCTOBER!), pumpkin carving, keeping Christmas with you all through the year, knowing that I have achieved everything in a week that I wanted to, The Happy Sumo, rainbows that appear right after it rains, Christmas pins, Labyrinth ( Okay, im not really thankful for that movie- I'm just thankful that my eyes were opened to the injustice that I faced unknowingly for 19 years), 50 cent Tuesdays at the dollar movie theater...although we aren't really sure if it actually exists, the coke machine down the street, my indestructible car, the huge collection of Amy Grant CD collection that I acquired, new friends, old friends, and the way is smells after it rains....

I know that there is much, much more, but its getting late, and writing any more would open you up to a new chapter of my life that no one wants to read, or at least, for me to publicly post. Thank goodness for being thankful!

My name is Lauren and I sell pencils at Dunder Mifflin

It's time for "The Office"! I watch that show like I read the bible (but not specifically in that order). Often times I have to remind myself that the show does not follow real life people, and that in fact, its totally and completely *big sigh*...fictional. I fully believe that this show was meant just for me. Why, might you ask, would I take it that far? To persuade you, and maybe even myself, I have a short list as to why I believe the previous statement is true-

* The first episode of "The Office" premired on my birthday- March 24th
* In the first two seasons, Jim drives a 2001, red Corolla...the EXACT same car I drive!
* In the third season, Martin Nash drives a car with LAV on the license plate- my initials

I think thats a pretty good list! A bit of devestating news though- the screen actors guild has has taken the first step towards a strike....NOT AGAIN! First the writers, then the actors...c'mon people! You get paid so much! Why demand more money, while being on strike loses you money, and not just that, they could find pretty good replacements. I would love to take on "Pam" on "The Office"! Enough of my bitterness...I suppose I will just have to watch reruns and my DVD's to pass the time. Until that time though, I will dvr as many shows on tv to pass the little time I have to spend melting brain cells.

Speaking Words of Wisdom, Let it Be...Let it Be

Its been a good day : )
That mere sentence sums up a lot, but elaborating it would only make it sound insincere and over embellished. I’ve come to realize what I have and what I truly am thankful for. I had a sudden realization of what I have, when my family was together this weekend watching church in our underwear or pajamas…whichever one is less offensive. I miss spending time with my family because we complete each other. I love them and miss them all the time so I am thankful that we were able to spend a full day together. It’s been so long since we have all been together for a period of 24 hours, and I hope that we can find another time to goof off again.
One particular experience that happened this weekend goes like this- my youngest sister (who just turned 5! Happy Birthday Cork!), bless her heart, ran into my room in the early hours of the morning, cookie in hand, jumped into my bed and got under the covers, which I was still occupying. At first, I was extremely annoyed…actually, that might be an understatement, I might have been bordering extremely angry. It had been a late night, and I didn’t get much sleep, and was not very welcoming to anything that might disrupt my comfortable sleep. I was thinking only of myself and my feelings, how I felt, and what I wanted, and how her early morning visit was inconvenient along with the crumbling cookie. I was about to shove her out of my bed and scold her, informing her that I wanted NOTHING to do with her that morning, when she sweetly said “Lauren, I saw this cookie and I wanted to eat it, but I remembered how much I love you and I want you to have it”. She bent down, and kissed my forehead, and merrily skipped out of my room. * I was speechless *
My eyes filled with tears as I looked at the mangled cookie, which I now held in my hand. I then sat and pondered and I have come to realize that I am the luckiest person in the entire world. I have the best of everything. I have the best parents, the best sisters, the best brothers, the best boyfriend, the best friends and the list goes on and on. These people fill my life with so much joy and meaning! They may not all be perfect, but every single on of them strive to be the best that they can be, and that in and of itself, makes them as close to perfect as I think it can get. I’ve decided to make a “Thankful List”. I might post it later, but every time I feel frustration, anger, or sadness, I’m going to look at my “Thankful List”, and remember what I have, and what I would be without it.
It’s been a good day : )

The Stepford Boyfriends

They were all the same, tall, dark, and handsome. There was something that drew me into their almost Disney like good looks and charm, and it was hard to not believe that maybe this finally was “the one”. Is that really possible? Can you know someone for only a moment and suddenly know that they are the one? Is love at first sight real, or is it merely lust at first sight? As much as I wanted to believe it, I now look back and realize that I was too naive to consider anything other then love at first sight, or maybe it was ignorance. One of them (not so tall and dark, but still charming), caught my attention immediately, and made me realize for the first time that there could be depth to a relationship. Who knew?
A week after claiming that our relationship was the real deal, and we were “gonna make it”, although I had no idea what that really meant, he assured me that he would never let me go…I had no idea what I was in for. The late night phone calls, visits, and detailed and elaborate stories from the past that would make a sensible person run for the hills, became so constant, I began to think that every relationship had to be like that.
He was manipulative, and he was good at making me do everything that he wanted. I didn’t believe in mind control and abuse, but now I do, oh boy I do! He got into my mind, and KNEW my next move before I did. He took pleasure in seeing me cower and fear him. He embellished the thought of me feeling completely lost and unable to make a decision without him or his approval. I knew it was wrong, and I knew that I was stuck, but how did I get out? I sometimes even wondered what thoughts were mine, and if what I was thinking was right, or if it was wrong because he thought it was wrong, or if I thought it was wrong. Understand?To make a long story short…er, I did it. He’s gone, but it’s not to say that the process wasn’t painful, and still haunts me to this day. With the passing of that dead, and decomposing relationship, I realize how much I learned, but still did not carry over the newly found morals and experiences to relationships that preceded the last dreadful one. I still let boys (and let me emphasize BOYS not men…not even guys), use me, abuse me, and take every inch of dignity that I had left in me, as if there was much left anyways.
That was three years ago, and I can finally say that even though I’m still not the brightest crayon in the box, I take the experience that I now have, and I use it. What a novel idea!! I know I still have so much to learn, but take that small experience to back me up and I won’t ever take for granted or regret the choices I’ve made. Those choices have made me the person that I am today, and I wouldn’t have the people in my life that I have in today if I had chosen differently. I don’t think that mistakes are terrible. We learn from mistakes, and without them, we would never know the difference between what is acceptable and what is not. Whenever I am discouraged at a mistake or something stupid that I do or missed, I’ve decided to tell myself “That was an awesome mistake!”…enough said.

The Past repeats itself...

Im staring at four walls covered with memories that break the floodgate in my mind. Memories from people, events, and odd occurances with no rhyme or reason. I remember the days of blogging and sharing my thoughts with the world, but also remember those times as being dark and dismal. I've always taken relief in writing, opening up my soul to those who are willing to dive in, but somehow lost my passion in the years past. This may sound depressing, but it's not. It's more of a celebration of what I now have come to realize as a rebirth, for lack of better phrasing, of my passion for writing. I suppose it's good to let it out in a constructive form, and maybe my pain and sorrow is begging to be let out in this way. My grief has taken many forms, none to say the least, constructive. I have too many thoughts, memories, and ramblings all filed away in a cabinet that has been locked in my head. Maybe it's time to share them...in this constructive way...